New Orleans was wonderful and not, all at the same time. Lessons learned: I cannot have oysters, they all make me sick. My husband is the most wonderful man alive (An already established fact, just proved again), I have some of the most caring friends in the world, and keep a chain on your wallet while traveling, going through TSA without a license is not fun.
The summer was good, mostly working and being too busy to remember all of the details. I have found that being open with an opinion may not be the best way to express myself. Most of the time what I have to say while accurate, is neither positive or well accepted by the listener. The groups of people you surround yourself with most definitely affects the way you behave, and I have learned that short spurts with some friends is the best way to handle my own emotional well being. I am easily influenced and I think that is the first step to filtering some behaviors.
The change that I am looking for is not only happening on the inside, but I am finally open to making the physical changes that have been (literally) weighing me down for almost 10 years. It seems that once you start cleaning up your internal hoard of bad, confused, and angry emotions, you find you have the space to sit back and do a personal inventory of things that really do need to be done.
One would think that with a year of only worrying about my health I would have dropped weight, it has had quite the opposite effect and now I am at the heaviest I have ever been. Miserably going through a heart-wrenching dance every morning trying to fit into pants that were made for a woman of a different tummy size than I have bloomed into. This is my doing and my undoing. No one in this whole world has the key to being happy and healthy for me, it is a journey I gladly take on as my own.
Being 30 was suppose to somehow change my view of life and make it better. I guess I thought it would happen magically one night while I slept. Looking in the mirror I see someone I don't know. She is a fat woman, that lost her way to beer and amazing food. There was always a sense of not being good enough, even at 120 pounds, and that ugly thought manifested itself into turning the outside into a match of pain and disfigurement. Through almost over a year of introspection and growth, the self love I have and the new life I have gained and am striving for, I am finally okay with who I am, I would like my outside to match that woman, the one with her shit together.
It's the beginning of October, the seasons are changing and so am I. Hopefully the next time I check in, the news will be that I found that woman I am looking for, somewhere inside me.
