A New Life (I thought I lost this post about a month ago) First Post

As I approach the 8th month of surviving a severe brain tumor, my life is getting better, and my thoughts are reflective and introspective. While I try to navigate this new life and fit back into a life that I was tearing down before surgery, I realize that some damage cannot be undone. The people that are willing to be in my life and give me another chance are brave. Actions and words cannot be taken back but apologies have been made to who I believe deserve them. Rude, maybe...but really this isn't the worst I've ever said. I am an adult woman staring at a ruined life and slowly picking up the pieces. 5 years of tearing things down, it's going to take quite a while to build things back up. What makes a great life? What makes a good one? I'm still trying to figure that out.

As I look around I see a better marriage and better, more meaningful relationships. I have put myself in therapy and I have no idea how that is going. I guess good? I clean more, I cook more and I appreciate my life more, but the dark side is the nagging feeling that any day could be my last. I thought I had a morbid outlook on life before, but now I have been sideswiped by something I would never have thought possible. I am scared and I am not sure how to deal with it. I just thought it was a sinus infection. Thank the fates for Burning Man or I would be dead. I wanted to make sure I was fit to go, the doctor had other news for me. With 24 days until the burn I was diagnosed with a rather large Menengioma in my frontal lobe. )'(

From my diagnosis date to surgery it was 7 days. Being thankful is not enough. Surgery went well and recovery is about a year. New information is that the part of my brain that controls memory can take up to 18 months to heal. There was no chemo but they did crack me open like a clam and then they shucked it out and stapled it back together. Weird to think of my head as seafood, but accurate enough for descriptive purposes.

It's amazing how life just keeps moving around you. Work is still done, the DOW didn't decline and the Earth kept right on spinning. The insignificance of a life is astounding. And yet, to me, the most important thing I have. To my husband, a loss of deep and resounding sorrow. Yet, the birds will keep chirping.

I want to make a difference in this world, more than the butterfly effect I am currently making. I want more than an obituary that lists my minor accomplishments for some stranger to skim over while they drink their coffee and rejoice that I am nobody they knew. I want it to make the goddamned news, and not because it was a 4 car pile up or because of mass murder or because I went missing. I want it say that I was amazing. That my life was really worth the days I put in. How long would that story even run though? A day. Maybe.

I am happy to have today. I am happy if I get tomorrow. I'll be happy all the days I have this life. May it be for a very, very long time.

Let's just get through this year though. I turn 30 soon. I won't be sad for that day. A lot of women always have a problem with it, but for me it proves I am a survivor. I relish the feeling of knowing that I am alive, that second chances are possible, and that I am going to take advantage of every opportunity I am handed.

A Day of Expectation & Revalation

It has been an 8 month journey to get to today. I guess I thought it would be more……something. I guess I thought that I would feel some kind of pressure lift from my body. I have been cleared as a normal stationary human being. Ooohhh, I know that sounds dreary and so boring, but it means a lot. I am alive and I have been released to live my life, barring the exception of going on a bender. I don’t think my brain would be very happy with me. So, now that I have survived this huge ordeal they called a brain tumor, what’s next?

In a couple of months I turn 30, a big accomplishment, as I am alive to see it. Most people dread it, and I guess deep down I do to, but in the face of everything, I am so happy to have another birthday. Everything in my perception has changed.

My life got to hit the do-over button. Not my whole life, but the last parts where I was self-destructing. I never thought anything was wrong with me, or my opinions. Now my unforgiving nature has turned into a forgiveness and slow yielding process. No more finality in my feelings, but a thoughtful insight into why I feel that way and why I am having a reaction at all.

There are days where I can tell something has shifted and I try to set myself back on track, to this new me, as my husband likes to joke, wifey version 1.5. The changes are done, and there is a whole life ahead of me to look forward to and a whole lot of past to either make amends for or walk away form and call it even. One is much easier than the other, and in certain situations I have chosen to walk away, not because the task is too difficult, but because after careful consideration I don’t find that that situation would have panned out better regardless of my brains status.

Every month that passes, I celebrate a little on that day, just a little reminder to myself to be thankful to my Doctor and those who puts good thoughts toward me. I appreciate it.

Life is fleeting; it can go by so quickly and so slowly all at once. Life has never been better than it is today. I have the most wonderful and caring husband a woman could ever want. Two wonderfully fuzzy assholes that we call our cats (Frankie and Draino are my cuddle buddies), I have a great job, where I hate everybody, almost, and some of the baddest bitches and friends I could ever ask for. They were here for me at my worst I hope they’ll stick around to know me at my best. I have to learn to let my family in more than I have let my friends, but that will take more time for me. I am still working through those issues, and hopefully I’ll be done analyzing all of that soon.

I guess the fireworks that I expected today will have to wait for our vacation to NOLA, just some alone time with my husband, no electronics, no distractions, no work, the bayou, some music and amazing food. That’s how I’ll celebrate being here for another year.