Thursday, August 8, 2013
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
The Emotional & The Physical
New Orleans was wonderful and not, all at the same time. Lessons learned: I cannot have oysters, they all make me sick. My husband is the most wonderful man alive (An already established fact, just proved again), I have some of the most caring friends in the world, and keep a chain on your wallet while traveling, going through TSA without a license is not fun.
The summer was good, mostly working and being too busy to remember all of the details. I have found that being open with an opinion may not be the best way to express myself. Most of the time what I have to say while accurate, is neither positive or well accepted by the listener. The groups of people you surround yourself with most definitely affects the way you behave, and I have learned that short spurts with some friends is the best way to handle my own emotional well being. I am easily influenced and I think that is the first step to filtering some behaviors.
The change that I am looking for is not only happening on the inside, but I am finally open to making the physical changes that have been (literally) weighing me down for almost 10 years. It seems that once you start cleaning up your internal hoard of bad, confused, and angry emotions, you find you have the space to sit back and do a personal inventory of things that really do need to be done.
One would think that with a year of only worrying about my health I would have dropped weight, it has had quite the opposite effect and now I am at the heaviest I have ever been. Miserably going through a heart-wrenching dance every morning trying to fit into pants that were made for a woman of a different tummy size than I have bloomed into. This is my doing and my undoing. No one in this whole world has the key to being happy and healthy for me, it is a journey I gladly take on as my own.
Being 30 was suppose to somehow change my view of life and make it better. I guess I thought it would happen magically one night while I slept. Looking in the mirror I see someone I don't know. She is a fat woman, that lost her way to beer and amazing food. There was always a sense of not being good enough, even at 120 pounds, and that ugly thought manifested itself into turning the outside into a match of pain and disfigurement. Through almost over a year of introspection and growth, the self love I have and the new life I have gained and am striving for, I am finally okay with who I am, I would like my outside to match that woman, the one with her shit together.
It's the beginning of October, the seasons are changing and so am I. Hopefully the next time I check in, the news will be that I found that woman I am looking for, somewhere inside me.
The summer was good, mostly working and being too busy to remember all of the details. I have found that being open with an opinion may not be the best way to express myself. Most of the time what I have to say while accurate, is neither positive or well accepted by the listener. The groups of people you surround yourself with most definitely affects the way you behave, and I have learned that short spurts with some friends is the best way to handle my own emotional well being. I am easily influenced and I think that is the first step to filtering some behaviors.
The change that I am looking for is not only happening on the inside, but I am finally open to making the physical changes that have been (literally) weighing me down for almost 10 years. It seems that once you start cleaning up your internal hoard of bad, confused, and angry emotions, you find you have the space to sit back and do a personal inventory of things that really do need to be done.
One would think that with a year of only worrying about my health I would have dropped weight, it has had quite the opposite effect and now I am at the heaviest I have ever been. Miserably going through a heart-wrenching dance every morning trying to fit into pants that were made for a woman of a different tummy size than I have bloomed into. This is my doing and my undoing. No one in this whole world has the key to being happy and healthy for me, it is a journey I gladly take on as my own.
Being 30 was suppose to somehow change my view of life and make it better. I guess I thought it would happen magically one night while I slept. Looking in the mirror I see someone I don't know. She is a fat woman, that lost her way to beer and amazing food. There was always a sense of not being good enough, even at 120 pounds, and that ugly thought manifested itself into turning the outside into a match of pain and disfigurement. Through almost over a year of introspection and growth, the self love I have and the new life I have gained and am striving for, I am finally okay with who I am, I would like my outside to match that woman, the one with her shit together.
It's the beginning of October, the seasons are changing and so am I. Hopefully the next time I check in, the news will be that I found that woman I am looking for, somewhere inside me.
Monday, April 16, 2012
A New Life (I thought I lost this post about a month ago) First Post
As I approach the 8th month of surviving a severe brain tumor, my life is getting better, and my thoughts are reflective and introspective. While I try to navigate this new life and fit back into a life that I was tearing down before surgery, I realize that some damage cannot be undone. The people that are willing to be in my life and give me another chance are brave. Actions and words cannot be taken back but apologies have been made to who I believe deserve them. Rude, maybe...but really this isn't the worst I've ever said. I am an adult woman staring at a ruined life and slowly picking up the pieces. 5 years of tearing things down, it's going to take quite a while to build things back up. What makes a great life? What makes a good one? I'm still trying to figure that out.
As I look around I see a better marriage and better, more meaningful relationships. I have put myself in therapy and I have no idea how that is going. I guess good? I clean more, I cook more and I appreciate my life more, but the dark side is the nagging feeling that any day could be my last. I thought I had a morbid outlook on life before, but now I have been sideswiped by something I would never have thought possible. I am scared and I am not sure how to deal with it. I just thought it was a sinus infection. Thank the fates for Burning Man or I would be dead. I wanted to make sure I was fit to go, the doctor had other news for me. With 24 days until the burn I was diagnosed with a rather large Menengioma in my frontal lobe. )'(
From my diagnosis date to surgery it was 7 days. Being thankful is not enough. Surgery went well and recovery is about a year. New information is that the part of my brain that controls memory can take up to 18 months to heal. There was no chemo but they did crack me open like a clam and then they shucked it out and stapled it back together. Weird to think of my head as seafood, but accurate enough for descriptive purposes.
It's amazing how life just keeps moving around you. Work is still done, the DOW didn't decline and the Earth kept right on spinning. The insignificance of a life is astounding. And yet, to me, the most important thing I have. To my husband, a loss of deep and resounding sorrow. Yet, the birds will keep chirping.
I want to make a difference in this world, more than the butterfly effect I am currently making. I want more than an obituary that lists my minor accomplishments for some stranger to skim over while they drink their coffee and rejoice that I am nobody they knew. I want it to make the goddamned news, and not because it was a 4 car pile up or because of mass murder or because I went missing. I want it say that I was amazing. That my life was really worth the days I put in. How long would that story even run though? A day. Maybe.
I am happy to have today. I am happy if I get tomorrow. I'll be happy all the days I have this life. May it be for a very, very long time.
Let's just get through this year though. I turn 30 soon. I won't be sad for that day. A lot of women always have a problem with it, but for me it proves I am a survivor. I relish the feeling of knowing that I am alive, that second chances are possible, and that I am going to take advantage of every opportunity I am handed.
As I look around I see a better marriage and better, more meaningful relationships. I have put myself in therapy and I have no idea how that is going. I guess good? I clean more, I cook more and I appreciate my life more, but the dark side is the nagging feeling that any day could be my last. I thought I had a morbid outlook on life before, but now I have been sideswiped by something I would never have thought possible. I am scared and I am not sure how to deal with it. I just thought it was a sinus infection. Thank the fates for Burning Man or I would be dead. I wanted to make sure I was fit to go, the doctor had other news for me. With 24 days until the burn I was diagnosed with a rather large Menengioma in my frontal lobe. )'(
From my diagnosis date to surgery it was 7 days. Being thankful is not enough. Surgery went well and recovery is about a year. New information is that the part of my brain that controls memory can take up to 18 months to heal. There was no chemo but they did crack me open like a clam and then they shucked it out and stapled it back together. Weird to think of my head as seafood, but accurate enough for descriptive purposes.
It's amazing how life just keeps moving around you. Work is still done, the DOW didn't decline and the Earth kept right on spinning. The insignificance of a life is astounding. And yet, to me, the most important thing I have. To my husband, a loss of deep and resounding sorrow. Yet, the birds will keep chirping.
I want to make a difference in this world, more than the butterfly effect I am currently making. I want more than an obituary that lists my minor accomplishments for some stranger to skim over while they drink their coffee and rejoice that I am nobody they knew. I want it to make the goddamned news, and not because it was a 4 car pile up or because of mass murder or because I went missing. I want it say that I was amazing. That my life was really worth the days I put in. How long would that story even run though? A day. Maybe.
I am happy to have today. I am happy if I get tomorrow. I'll be happy all the days I have this life. May it be for a very, very long time.
Let's just get through this year though. I turn 30 soon. I won't be sad for that day. A lot of women always have a problem with it, but for me it proves I am a survivor. I relish the feeling of knowing that I am alive, that second chances are possible, and that I am going to take advantage of every opportunity I am handed.
A Day of Expectation & Revalation
It has been an 8 month journey to get to today. I guess I
thought it would be more……something. I guess I thought that I would feel some
kind of pressure lift from my body. I have been cleared as a normal stationary
human being. Ooohhh, I know that sounds dreary and so boring, but it means a
lot. I am alive and I have been released to live my life, barring the exception
of going on a bender. I don’t think my brain would be very happy with me. So,
now that I have survived this huge ordeal they called a brain tumor, what’s
next?
In a couple of months I turn 30, a big accomplishment, as I
am alive to see it. Most people dread it, and I guess deep down I do to, but in
the face of everything, I am so happy to have another birthday. Everything in
my perception has changed.
My life got to hit the do-over button. Not my whole life,
but the last parts where I was self-destructing. I never thought anything was
wrong with me, or my opinions. Now my unforgiving nature has turned into a forgiveness
and slow yielding process. No more finality in my feelings, but a thoughtful insight
into why I feel that way and why I am having a reaction at all.
There are days where I can tell something has shifted and I
try to set myself back on track, to this new me, as my husband likes to joke,
wifey version 1.5. The changes are done, and there is a whole life ahead of me
to look forward to and a whole lot of past to either make amends for or walk away
form and call it even. One is much easier than the other, and in certain
situations I have chosen to walk away, not because the task is too difficult,
but because after careful consideration I don’t find that that situation would
have panned out better regardless of my brains status.
Every month that passes, I celebrate a little on that day,
just a little reminder to myself to be thankful to my Doctor and those who puts
good thoughts toward me. I appreciate it.
Life is fleeting; it can go by so quickly and so slowly all
at once. Life has never been better than it is today. I have the most wonderful
and caring husband a woman could ever want. Two wonderfully fuzzy assholes that
we call our cats (Frankie and Draino are my cuddle buddies), I have a great
job, where I hate everybody, almost, and some of the baddest bitches and
friends I could ever ask for. They were here for me at my worst I hope they’ll
stick around to know me at my best. I have to learn to let my family in more
than I have let my friends, but that will take more time for me. I am still
working through those issues, and hopefully I’ll be done analyzing all of that
soon.
I guess the fireworks that I expected today will have to
wait for our vacation to NOLA, just some alone time with my husband, no
electronics, no distractions, no work, the bayou, some music and amazing food. That’s
how I’ll celebrate being here for another year.
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